I have this feeling deep inside that I want to cry. I don't know the main reason why but I want to let things out. My emotions are not quite stable these days, and again, I don't know why! >.< Maybe because I'm frustrated? the hormones? because I don't have much to do? or is it due to over-thinking? or worst, the combination of all? I don't fucking know and it annoys me. -.-
I'm 21 and I feel so limited and trap. I cannot do the things that I want not because I'm unduly guarded, but because I do not have the means! I want to work, travel, provide something for this family, and upgrade my sense of independence but I cannot seem to find a starting point. I have plans. I do. But but... I don't know why I cannot move out, move out from this shell I'm in for years. I'm capable, quite have extra adipose in my system but still healthy. However, when it comes to emotions, I'm handicapped. I consider myself physically ok but mentally disabled and that makes no difference from those suffering in reverse... I'm even worse than them if you think about it, to be honest.
I want to change because being like this is so emotionally draining. Too bad, change doesn't happen overnight. I know I have to work hard to set new things, to make myself happy. But, what actually do I have to change? That's the question that's halting me everytime. Ugh. It's hard. Nonetheless, I'm pretty much sure that I'm lost at the moment. Lost in a way that I don't know which way to start... what's that "specific step" that I should do to unfold the planned sections of my life that are just waiting behind the chains. Do I need to hear a certain magic word to activate that innate drifted desire? -.-
Goodness, Cali... you have to wake up.